My Sleeping baby Part-2 ( the procedure)

Second part after sharing How did we find out that she’s gone, the next step is how to deliver her * or another word expel her.. the word expel is simply to harsh for me to accept…* 

Despite not being able to claim a single cent from our insurance, we went ahead with Gleneagles hospital and the Gynae that i was seeing. He is a famous and experienced Gynae, i thought i will be in good hands. And we did not want to go thru another scanning and explaning process to get a new Gynae to help us with this. 

So, we returned to the Dr’s office in the evening after informing the family. I was given a letter for admission as i will have to be induced. When i was at the main reception at the hospital, a kind nurse asked if i’m in pain and if i needed to be wheeled to the room. I was all fine, i walked up to the room on my own. We got the Single room so hub could be with me at all times. 

Shortly, they started to induce me… i did not feel much pain … went to sleep that night cos over exhausted. Of course, i woke up occasionally then cried myself to bed again. When i was up, all i could do was to look at the husband who was sleeping so soundly. At the time, i just had to tell myself, this is not the end of the world, i need to stay strong for my family, my husband, my friends and everyone around me! but that doesn’t help to lessen my pain… the night just seem sooooooo long…. there’s slight discomfort but it was bearable. 

Until the next morning… the pain started to be unbearable. And the moment i think of having to deliver a sleeping baby, i was devastated. I requested for Epidural, as i do not want this baby to bring me anymore pain. The nurses then wheeled me to the delivery suite as after Epidural is given, close monitoring will be required. 

i was asked to change then wheeled to the delivery suite… When we got into the room, i can’t help it but to cry out loud… the question none stop popping in my mind – what did i do to deserve such treatment? why am i the chosen 1 to go thru this pain? i broke down…. cried like a big baby…. the nurses saw and decided to just leave me and hub alone in the room.. we were given lotsa alone time, we cuddled, cried, and laughed again… thankful for having each other despite having to go thru this. 

I remembered very clearly after our crying episode, the lady next door was screaming in pain, shortly she delivered a baby. I could hear her, her baby’s cries, the nurses and her hub cheering for her and the joy after the baby arrives! but… our room… will be filled with sorrow.. 😦 i broke down again… 

but .. a kind nurse came over , she held my hands… she told me ” dear, it is not your fault, do not self blame, this can happen to anyone, and i’m a muslim, but i know this is the beginning of Lunar 7th Month, if your family/friends tell you that your baby is gone because of this, do not listen to them! rubbish!i’ve arranged you to use this suite as it is the last room, you’ll hear less of other woman’s scream when they deliver, i hope you’re ok with this!You’re still very young, try again next time! very soon you can get pregnant and have a healthy baby again!” at the moment, i felt so touched…. a stranger actually said such beautiful words to me and it was full of courage. 

the inducing process was sooooo long because i’m only 24 weeks and it takes longer to be dillated. After the epidural, hub and I managed to get some sleep again… 

while we were awake, i told hub to ask the nurse on what will happen to the baby’s body…. the nurse came in with a leaflet by Singapore Casket. She told us to give them a call as different religion will do it differently and it is totally up to us on what we want to do. 

Hubby picked up the phone and called them… explained the situation to them.. we were then told the norm will be buying a small casket, then cremate and scatter the ashes to the sea…. Or since it is below 26/28weeks, the Hospital can also help to settle without us having to go thru the pain. 

We finally decided to let the hospital do it while on my end, i called the Fa Shi at Punggol Fo Guang Shan Temple. I have her number as i invited her to my house for house blessing few years back. She was kind, she told me that it is OK, and they have a group prayer since it is the 7th month, i can drop by after i’m discharged from the hospital. 

Without us realising, it was already about 3-4pm, my family arrived from KL. WHile hub went off to help my dad/in laws/sister , my mum stayed with me in the delivery suite. She did not say much but i know she’s very worried. i was suffering from the side effect of the Epidural, i was freezing! so cold that i wasshaking despite having 3 layers of blanket. Mum was worries sick seeing me in that condition, non stop askng if i was OK. I did not shed  a single tear after she arrived. I just wanted to be strong, did not want to show herthat i’m weak. 

When the nurse came in to check, she was shocked that i actually already delivered without me realising. Actually the Dr did mention that it happened because the baby is relatively small, at times, you’ll not need to push the baby out. With the contraction, it will be “expelled” out on its own. 

Nonetheless, the nurses called the Gynae in. When he arrived, i felt that he was just too busy from her clinic, he just wanted to settle my case and go back to his clinic. He put on the gloves while mumbling non stop “see?! i told you, many a times, when it happenes, it happens so quickly! i can’t even make it to the delivery suite. ” while talking, he helped to clean me up.. since i’ve requested not to see the baby, the nurses already brought her to the room next door since it is empty * the lady who delivered was sent back to her own room to rest already* the Gynae sort of sounded the nurses when he found out that they brought the baby to the next room but nurses explained “patient requested not to see” then after he was done with cleaning up, he held my hands and said ” you sure you do not want to see? many research showed that the mother will regret not seeing the baby and takes longer to recover mentally” i was very firm, i said “no” … 

so, he said it’s ok, he’ll go over to the next room to examine the baby with hubby tagging along. 

Apparently, he was kinda rough to the baby… 😦 then while examining the baby, he told hub again to pursuade me to see the baby then started telling him about the research blablablab.. hub got pissed off and said “she said she doesn’t want to!” but he wanted hub to go over and ask me again… 

hub came back and asked, my answer was still “no” i know i will regret but i want to have this beautiful image of her in my mind. She’ll stay beautiful in my mind…  when hub told the Gynae my final answer, he still came back to the room and held my hands and asked me again…..answer was still a firm “no” ( with him coming back to ask me so many times, i was getting annoyed by him! leave me alone, i’m a Psyshocolgy grad, i know what am i going thru and what i will be going thru! i said NO means NO! i know the reasearch shows blablabla but i know myself better!)

he then went on to explain saying that he has examined the baby, from its looks, she looks fine, average size to her gestational week, no umbilical cord surrounding her neck. So the only way to find out the cause will be to do a postmortem. HUb and i discussed, and decided not to proceed. Just  let her rest in peace…… 

Finally, the Gynae left! i was happy that i did not have to listen to him anymore!pissed off with him trying to force me to see the baby! the nurse came back and asked if i want to change room… i was shocked .. “why?” actually she was very understanding, she wanted to arrange me to go to a normal ladies’ ward instead of maternity ward cos it will be filled with mothers and newborns…but hub and i decided not to take the trouble, just stay 1 more night and we’ll check out in the morning. 

shortly i was pushed back to the room to rest. the entire family were there… i was fine, no physical pain but heart hurts badly… 

that night was a long night too…. i was on pain killer … i did not want to feel any pain cos my heart was painful enough… 

occasionally, some new nurse will say the wrong thing how are  your feeling ma’am? do you want me to bring the baby?” or “congratualtions”but can’t blame them right… however, it hurts when people say the wrong thing … 

After the Gynae checked on me the next morning, i was given green light to discharge! i was happy of course! i can finally leave this place!!!! i was given hospitalization leave for the next 30 days as i will be doing my confinement at home. My mum will be helping me with the cooking. 

While we were at the reception, waiting to settle the bill to go off, i saw new mummies cuddling their new borns… i asked myself again ” why am i going home without my baby?

 oh well, no more tears… dried up already i guesss… 

finally i’m home after 3 days 2 nights in the hospital, it is now left with hubby and I again.. no more baby! 

Want to know how i survived the confiment without a baby? stay tune for part 3 …. 

My Sleeping Baby- Caitlyn Wong ( How did we find out that she’s gone?)

As i mentioned, i had a still-born before i was blessed with my healthy daughter, Cassadee. Im open to share this because i realise Stillborn or late stage miscarriage is becoming very common. Yet, nobody talks about it. When it happened to us, we are devestated. We do not know what to do, what to expect. So, here i am, sharing my story to create awareness to people if this ever happen *i hope not! no one deserves to suffer this pain* or to people around them on how to cope/deal with it. 

Here’s the story. 

I was almost 24 weeks pregnant. Being my first pregnancy, i was very careful, i was delighted once i passed my first trimester as it is alot safer for the mother and baby. That weekend, i did not feel much *actually none* movements from her. But i constantly reminded myself to try not to be over reacting, everything will be fine. I even did research online on how to make the baby kick more. I drank icy cold drinks and lay down on a quiet room..yet i did not feel anything. But … I was not alarmed yet. On Monday, after reached the office, i decided to give my Gynae a call. The nurse advised me to drop by for a scan just to be safe. So i left a note to my boss and went to Gleneangles. While i was in the cab, i texted hubby. I looked out the window,suddenly i shivered. What if my baby is gone?!! choiii! nothing will happen, she’s fine! don’t be silly! 

When i arrived at the clinic, it was crowded as usual. I waited and waited.. While waiting, i touched my belly, talked to her.. asked her to be ok and give me one big strong kick… nothing happened… 

Finally i was called into the room…. Dr greeted me and asked how am i & why am i there on that day. After i explained, he said “not to worry, let me scan and take alook maybe it is just her position, sometimes mummies may not feel their movements” 

I lay on the bed while the Dr squirted some gel on my belly, then started scanning. 

my fear has just begun! 

Dr shoke his head and said “no good no good.. what happened? did anything happen? did you do anything unusual?”

i started to panic, and asked him “why?” he told me to calm down as i was already crying cos i knew something much be very wron! he said “maybe it is my machine, i can’t detect the heartbeat, don’t worry, i schedule u to do a detailed scan at the hospital, call your husband in now, don’t worry ok?”

then he called the nurse in to schedule me for detailed scan, i was then ushered out to wait outside, at this moment, i started crying out loud, i knew that the baby is gone!! i called the husband who was in the meeting to come over.. hubby was shocked but he said ” its ok, i’ll come right away!” 

i also called my mum but she was in the airplane, so i called my sister.. Sis told me to calm down and seek second opinion. 

The nurses asked if i was ok to walk to the A&E building myself, i said “OK” and i went. i was crying and crying… i waited at 1 corner, then a nice lady offerend me a seat and tissue. She asked if i was ok, then i told her that my baby was gone. She gave me a big hug and said ” oh well, at least you got pregnant, i have difficulties conceiving” 

Finally the hubby came. Then i was told to go into the Sonographer’s office. 

They scanned and scanned and scanned.. without saying anything… 

i can’t wait anymore, i asked “can you detect the heartbeat?”

answer was ” no” 

at this moment, i was really lost, not knowing what to do. 

We were told to go back to the Dr’s clinic as Dr will explain to us in detail. 

Back at the office, the dr apologized and confirmed that the baby is gone. He gave us options on when to deliver the baby. I will have to be induced. i suggested C-section as i do not want to go through the pain of delivering a sleeping baby. But, he was agaisnt the idea because if i would want to try to get pregnant again soon, natural delivery is the best for fast recovery. 

I guess the Dr knew how sudden for us, so he suggested that we go and grab lunch/go home, take a rest and think over it. 

We walked to the food court but no appetite to eat so we went home. 

Upon reaching home, we both cuddled and cried…. dunno for how long, then we both looked at each other again, we smiled. then started picking up the phone to inform the parents and siblings. Also to notify the bosses on urgent medical leave.

We called the clinic again later on to check when should we check-in to be induced as i wanted to just get over it as soon as possible. We also called our insurance agent, unfortunately, it is not covered, we will have to fork out every single cent from out own pocket.  

Stay tune for part 2 on the procedure and part 3 on how i recovered from this pain.